Saturday, April 20, 2013

unwanted changs

Boy, I feel like a broken record but.... over the past year or so there have been a lot of changes I have gone through. I feel like my whole personality has changed. A lot of these changes I don't like and I am beginning to process how I can create new changes that I do like. I have become so selfish. Granted, this is something I have struggled with my whole life but it has certainly gotten worse lately. I have become so absorbed by all the things going on in my own life that I feel like I'm in a bubble and I can't begin to understand or take an interest in what is going on outside that bubble. I feel overwhelmed (seems like the theme for me lately) and completely drained. I just don't have the energy to live life. I am in survival mode and I don't like it. I want to enjoy life. I want to make memories with my children. I want to be happy with our life. Yet, I struggle. There is so much that all of Peanut's medical issues have changed for us. I feel like the creative side of me has died and I really miss that part of me. I have no desire to do anything creative anymore. It just feels like so much work. It's so sad to see that part of me gone. I hope that it will return eventually.
    I definitely have to work on the selfish issue. I have to find a way to grow outside of my own home and life. I have to become more involved in others' lives. I just don't know how to find the energy for any of it. My husband and I were talking about Peanut the other day and how we don't know how to correct her behavior. I said that she just seemed exhausted lately and he replied, "Or maybe it's that we are exhausted." While I knew that was true, it hit me like a slap in the face. Maybe the struggles I am having right now are ones I've created myself. I have to start thinking outside myself. I have to create the changes that I need in my life.
     I also have to work on seeing the positive side of things. Lately I have struggled with seeing others succeed. I feel like life itself is a struggle and I am not succeeding - I am just surviving. So, when I see others who appear to be succeeding, I am jealous. I still feel that I can be happy for them but I struggle with questions like "Why can't my life be that good/easy/successful?" I know this is a dangerous road and one I should avoid but it isn't an easy switch to turn off. I want to be a better person. I want to embrace life - no matter what my life looks like. How do I begin that process?