Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Been a while...

     Well, it's been a while and this is why: I have been going through a lot - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me and that I'm struggling just to get through my days. I've had to work through a lot over the last couple of weeks and I've had to start accepting the reality of not knowing what lays before us as far as Peanut's health is concerned. I have been trying to let go of some of my own desires for my life and to be perfectly honest it has been a very dark time for me. I haven't felt ready to share the depths of my feelings and the darkness that surrounded me and threatened to pull me under. A lot of what I'm working through is hard to explain but I can say this: I feel like I am being attacked on all sides. I feel like I can't catch a break and I feel like I can't get through my days.
     We were able to go away for spring break to my sister's house in North Carolina. I always love visiting with her and I love going to the beach. While on this trip, I decided to try and convince my husband that we should move to NC. That did not go over well. It ended up with a pretty big fight between the 2 of us and made a good chunk of the trip difficult for me, to say the least. The disappointment I felt was more than even I had expected. I think I really just wanted to get away from the stress of our every day life. I wanted to escape and the beach is always my top choice for an escape. It's hard to let go of that hope - the hope that my whole life could change if I just lived somewhere else. It was nearly soul-crushing. To top it all off, I wasn't able to sleep well the entire time we were there and I had a migraine for 6 of the days we were there.
     Once we returned home, I struggled to accept life here and that we would be here for a long time. By Monday, it was time to get back to our regular routine whether I was ready or not. Peanut has a special one-on-one class time to help her learn her letters and sounds. I decided that I would have a chat with the teacher after Peanut's session was done. I wanted to make sure that she understood what to be watching for due to the radiation. After I explained to her that the AVM was in the language center and that Peanut could potentially lose the ability to understand language temporarily, she surprised me with her response. She told me that she had noticed already that Peanut was having more difficulty than before. She was not able to remember letters that she knew before and she incorrectly matched a sound to a letter which she had not done before. Of course, there is no way to know if this is because she had been out of school for so long or if it was an unusually early response to the radiation. By the time we went home Monday evening, I was a wreck. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and give up. I was broken-hearted over the possibilities of what lay before us. I tried to imagine how we would handle caring for a 5 year old who couldn't understand what we said to her and couldn't express herself. It was overwhelming. I found myself retreating to my room for solitude and darkness. I was angry, scared, overwhelmed (as always), and deeply sad. I just lay in the dark, trying to figure out how to let go of my fears. I prayed but felt no connection to God. I didn't have the will to go on. I alternated between crying and praying until I fell asleep.
     I am trying so hard to lean into God. To allow Him to be my strength since I don't have any left. I am trying to do better and I think I did better today than yesterday - at least I'm not hiding in the dark trying to escape reality. However, my load is heavy, the tears are always barely hidden under my smile, and I am not sure how I will make it through another day. The waiting for the side effects is awful. The added stress of finances, marriage and giving up my dreams has made my life feel nearly impossible to survive. I'm not sure how I will get through all of this but I know this: It is only by the grace of God that I will survive all the twists and turns of life.