Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Rough day

     Ok, I'm aware that I go through emotions quicker than I do underwear but.... today was a rough day. Because I didn't have to work right away, I was able to volunteer in Peanut's classroom for a little bit this morning. It all started when Peanut was walking with her class to gym class. A couple of the boys in front of her were goofing off in the hallway. One boy jerked back from the other and smacked Peanut in the face with the back of his head. She was instantly screaming. I took her to the gym then ran to the office for some ice. She seemed to recover from that pretty quickly. I spent the rest of her gym class visiting with her teacher. Around the end of her gym class, I was headed down the hall to clock in for my shift at the daycare. I heard someone crying and then realized it was Peanut. I turned around to go back to the gym and see what was wrong with her. It was then I heard staff yelling my name. When I was fully turned around, I saw the gym teacher rushing toward me with a screaming Peanut in his arms. I didn't have time to think. I scooped her into my arms and took her to the office which was just a few feet away. I set her down on a chair and ran to get some towels to clean her hands as there was a little blood on them. When I started cleaning her up, I saw that she had a bloody nose and mouth. She had cut her lip open and the bridge of her nose was already starting to bruise. She was complaining of a headache but in the same place as always - across her forehead. The principal was at my side helping to clean her up and check her to make sure she was ok. He asked her to check her bottom teeth to see if they would wiggle. She checked her top teeth. He told her no - check the teeth on the bottom. She again checked the ones on top. They repeated this another 4 or 5 times. She just didn't seem to be able to distinguish between the words top and bottom even as I continued to remind her that she needed to check her bottom teeth. Finally, I just reached my finger into her mouth and checked myself. They were fine. Peanut had calmed down quite a bit by this point. She decided she wanted to go wash her hands as there was some dried blood on them. I told her that was fine, set her ice pack down and she stood up to walk to the bathroom. Then she said she was tired. I, at this point, was totally freaked out but managed to hide it. I asked her if she thought her blood sugar was low. She said yes. So, I scooped her up, grabbed the cup of ice the principal had got for her and took her to the bathroom to wash her hands. Then, I carried her to her classroom to check her blood sugar. Her BG was 362. I spoke with her teacher briefly about what all had happened. I told her that Peanut felt tired. She replied, "She looks so pale!" I looked over at my baby girl and sure enough, she looked pale - really pale. Not knowing what else to do at that point, I left Peanut in the capable hands of her teacher and told her to send Peanut down to my room if she seemed tired or if anything else happened. I spent the afternoon feeling stressed and worried. Peanut, however, seemed to recover just fine.
     This evening, we got a letter in the mail about Peanut's A1C (an indication of how well controlled her diabetes is.) Her levels were the highest they've ever been. I knew we had to do better. Unfortunately, we have been following all of the doctor's orders and doing everything we should and her numbers were still all over the map. At bedtime I tucked Peanut into bed. I read her a flashlight story. (thanks Aunt S. for starting that tradition - she loves it!) At the end of the story, Peanut told me her arm felt heavy and she thought she was low. I had her say her prayers real quick and went to get the glucometer. Sure enough, her BG was low - 54! That was 2 nights in a row that her sugar crashed at bedtime. There just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to her BG. I feel like we adjust one way and then her BG switches to the opposite. We had been getting really high readings at night and now she's crashing. It's just so frustrating! I wish we could find the way to control this. I just don't know how to handle this. I feel like we have no control and when her BG isn't controlled there is so much at risk for her. I am ready to be done with diabetes. I really hate this.

Monday, April 22, 2013

I sure do love the sunshine!

     I cannot believe what a huge difference a sunny day makes for me! I have just loved the beautiful weather we have been having lately. The last 2 days I was able to spend quite a bit of time outside working on the yard and flower beds. Afterward, I felt so energetic and happy! I'm not sure how long I will be up tonight - my energy just isn't lagging! This is what makes me want to move somewhere sunnier. Somewhere warmer. However, that doesn't seem to be part of God's plan for us right now so I will just take advantage of any sunny days we get!
     Today was a really good day for that and other reasons. Today was the first day this school year that I was able to spend the entire school day away from the school building! I spent the morning visiting with my parents and then spent a quiet, peaceful, heavenly afternoon home alone, eating my lunch in peace, while it was hot, without any interruptions! I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed my time! It was wonderful to be relaxed enough to really enjoy my time even though I was 20 minutes away from Peanut. I'm hoping that this will bring lots of good things next year! I didn't even do anything all that wonderful. I watched some of my favorite TV shows while I did some long overdue work on my computer. Nothing really thrilling but I had forgotten what it was like to be home during the day. And I don't know if I've ever spent that much time without my kids with me! I feel rejuvenated - I'm thinking this needs to become a weekly thing. It's amazing how much of a difference this has made! I definitely will be starting this! As it happens, I have one day each week that I don't work at all - what a wonderful day that is going to be for me! I can scrapbook, be lazy, get some housework done, and, overall, feel like a normal person! :)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

unwanted changs

Boy, I feel like a broken record but.... over the past year or so there have been a lot of changes I have gone through. I feel like my whole personality has changed. A lot of these changes I don't like and I am beginning to process how I can create new changes that I do like. I have become so selfish. Granted, this is something I have struggled with my whole life but it has certainly gotten worse lately. I have become so absorbed by all the things going on in my own life that I feel like I'm in a bubble and I can't begin to understand or take an interest in what is going on outside that bubble. I feel overwhelmed (seems like the theme for me lately) and completely drained. I just don't have the energy to live life. I am in survival mode and I don't like it. I want to enjoy life. I want to make memories with my children. I want to be happy with our life. Yet, I struggle. There is so much that all of Peanut's medical issues have changed for us. I feel like the creative side of me has died and I really miss that part of me. I have no desire to do anything creative anymore. It just feels like so much work. It's so sad to see that part of me gone. I hope that it will return eventually.
    I definitely have to work on the selfish issue. I have to find a way to grow outside of my own home and life. I have to become more involved in others' lives. I just don't know how to find the energy for any of it. My husband and I were talking about Peanut the other day and how we don't know how to correct her behavior. I said that she just seemed exhausted lately and he replied, "Or maybe it's that we are exhausted." While I knew that was true, it hit me like a slap in the face. Maybe the struggles I am having right now are ones I've created myself. I have to start thinking outside myself. I have to create the changes that I need in my life.
     I also have to work on seeing the positive side of things. Lately I have struggled with seeing others succeed. I feel like life itself is a struggle and I am not succeeding - I am just surviving. So, when I see others who appear to be succeeding, I am jealous. I still feel that I can be happy for them but I struggle with questions like "Why can't my life be that good/easy/successful?" I know this is a dangerous road and one I should avoid but it isn't an easy switch to turn off. I want to be a better person. I want to embrace life - no matter what my life looks like. How do I begin that process?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Been a while...

     Well, it's been a while and this is why: I have been going through a lot - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me and that I'm struggling just to get through my days. I've had to work through a lot over the last couple of weeks and I've had to start accepting the reality of not knowing what lays before us as far as Peanut's health is concerned. I have been trying to let go of some of my own desires for my life and to be perfectly honest it has been a very dark time for me. I haven't felt ready to share the depths of my feelings and the darkness that surrounded me and threatened to pull me under. A lot of what I'm working through is hard to explain but I can say this: I feel like I am being attacked on all sides. I feel like I can't catch a break and I feel like I can't get through my days.
     We were able to go away for spring break to my sister's house in North Carolina. I always love visiting with her and I love going to the beach. While on this trip, I decided to try and convince my husband that we should move to NC. That did not go over well. It ended up with a pretty big fight between the 2 of us and made a good chunk of the trip difficult for me, to say the least. The disappointment I felt was more than even I had expected. I think I really just wanted to get away from the stress of our every day life. I wanted to escape and the beach is always my top choice for an escape. It's hard to let go of that hope - the hope that my whole life could change if I just lived somewhere else. It was nearly soul-crushing. To top it all off, I wasn't able to sleep well the entire time we were there and I had a migraine for 6 of the days we were there.
     Once we returned home, I struggled to accept life here and that we would be here for a long time. By Monday, it was time to get back to our regular routine whether I was ready or not. Peanut has a special one-on-one class time to help her learn her letters and sounds. I decided that I would have a chat with the teacher after Peanut's session was done. I wanted to make sure that she understood what to be watching for due to the radiation. After I explained to her that the AVM was in the language center and that Peanut could potentially lose the ability to understand language temporarily, she surprised me with her response. She told me that she had noticed already that Peanut was having more difficulty than before. She was not able to remember letters that she knew before and she incorrectly matched a sound to a letter which she had not done before. Of course, there is no way to know if this is because she had been out of school for so long or if it was an unusually early response to the radiation. By the time we went home Monday evening, I was a wreck. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and give up. I was broken-hearted over the possibilities of what lay before us. I tried to imagine how we would handle caring for a 5 year old who couldn't understand what we said to her and couldn't express herself. It was overwhelming. I found myself retreating to my room for solitude and darkness. I was angry, scared, overwhelmed (as always), and deeply sad. I just lay in the dark, trying to figure out how to let go of my fears. I prayed but felt no connection to God. I didn't have the will to go on. I alternated between crying and praying until I fell asleep.
     I am trying so hard to lean into God. To allow Him to be my strength since I don't have any left. I am trying to do better and I think I did better today than yesterday - at least I'm not hiding in the dark trying to escape reality. However, my load is heavy, the tears are always barely hidden under my smile, and I am not sure how I will make it through another day. The waiting for the side effects is awful. The added stress of finances, marriage and giving up my dreams has made my life feel nearly impossible to survive. I'm not sure how I will get through all of this but I know this: It is only by the grace of God that I will survive all the twists and turns of life.