Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Still need to talk about it...

     Today, I found myself having an in-depth conversation with my co-workers about Peanut's health issues. I was surprised by how much I found myself feeling like I needed to have that talk with them. I have worked there for 5 months now and haven't really ever talked about the details of Peanut's AVM. They were able to ask lots of questions and I was happy to share pieces of our journey with them. It does make me wonder how long I'll have this need to talk about this period of our life. I suspect it will last as long as my memory does. It's an odd path to have walked. There are so many things that even doctors were surprised by. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around everything. I am eager to put all of this behind us and yet I realize that this journey isn't over yet. Hopefully, the scariest part of this journey is over but we won't have complete recovery for anywhere from another year to 3 years. It seems like a long time but I'm sure I will look back on it and say it flew by.
     There are times that the memories are so vivid it's like I'm reliving them. What a tough journey it has been! I don't say that to credit myself but more as my own realization. Sometimes, I am able to put all this aside and attend to the regular daily tasks of motherhood. Other days, I am hit again by the enormity of all my Peanut has been through and all that lies ahead. Her next treatment - radiation will take place in under a week now. However, I don't expect getting through the first several days after that (when she has an increased risk for seizure and possible re-bleed) will be as long and hard as getting past the mark where they are quite certain that no damage was done to her healthy brain tissue. I try not to think about all the what-ifs. I try not to imagine how we would get through a complication. It just feels like this journey has been long and hard enough. I pray it does not get harder.
     On another note, Peanut's BG numbers have been all over the place lately. One day in particular, her blood sugar went from from 49 late morning to mid 400s by mid-afternoon! She has been having a lot of high readings with a few lows thrown in just to confuse us. It's definitely been hard on me lately not to mention what it does to Peanut. Her body is so out of control that it just completely exhausts her. Because she is tired, it is impossible to reason with her. So, we are back to dealing with huge fits several times a day. Her moods seem to be all over the place. This, in turn, wears me out. I have found myself praying that God would just take her diabetes away. I know I just need to focus on today but when I think about dealing with these lows and highs for the rest of her life, I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure how to handle the worry that comes along with lows and highs. Once again, I know I just need to give it to God and trust Him. But in the midst of the rushing to get her BG back to a healthy level, that is hard to remember. And in the quiet moments after her sugar has returned to a healthy level, it's hard to process all of that through a filter of trust. Still a work in progress! :)