Thursday, March 21, 2013

Maybe it's me

     At work lately there have been some changes beginning to be implemented. As I learn more about the company I work for I am less than ecstatic about their policies. I have discovered that my hopes of advancing and working more hours would be a nearly miraculous change! In the course of several conversations with my co-workers I have begun to wonder if the changes that need to be made are within me. Perhaps I need to just be grateful to have any job. Perhaps I should work harder and not keep track of that. Perhaps I should not compare myself to my coworkers. Perhaps my life is not as difficult as I think it is. Perhaps I am the one making it hard simply by my outlook on life.
     This also expands to other areas of my life. I am really struggling with depression and worry right now. I know all the answers and I know what I am supposed to do. That does not make it easy. I am so scared that Peanut will have a seizure following her radiation treatment and then a re-bleed which will put us back to where we were a year ago. I just don't know that I could go through that again. Of course, as my co-worker pointed out today, I cannot control any part of this and I really need to just trust God with this. She acknowledged that this isn't easy but still is necessary. She is right. I have to stop worrying - there is nothing I can do to change the path that lies before us. I must lean into God, trust Him to carry us through whatever may come and be grateful every step of the way.
     I HAVE to start focusing on my blessings. There are many things in my life that I am unhappy with right now. However, if I could shift my focus I think I would be much happier. The things in my life that make me unhappy would would have much less power over my outlook if I simply was focused on something else - something positive. We have made it so far and there is so much to be grateful for. I just need to start remembering those things and continually praise and thank God for them.
     So, in light of that, today I am thankful for a loving family who has allowed me my space and time to process through a lot of this over the last week or so. I have been partially physically ill but more emotionally ill. They have not questioned me but have allowed me to escape to be alone as much as I needed. Their love and support go a long way to get me through each day. God has blessed me with the most amazing husband. He is always loving and caring. He goes out of his way to take care of me. He walks by my side when I want to start something new and exciting even though he doesn't have any interest in it personally. He is ever forgiving, constantly loving and kind. I could not have come this far in life without him. He has been my crutch when I didn't think I could walk another step. I have been blessed with an amazing son. He is a light in our life. His imagination is wonderful! I love listening to his stories as he carries me away on another adventure. He, like his father, is loving and forgiving. I do not give him the one-on-one time he wants and deserves but he doesn't seem to be affected by that. He loves me through my failings. He is a sweet spirit and I love him dearly. I have been blessed with a daughter with an amazing happy spirit. Through everything she has been through, she still maintains a positive outlook and a love of life. God has blessed her with resiliency, spunk, and stubbornness. God has given me the extra blessing of sharing my home with my beautiful sister, brother-in-law and their children. I cannot express in short enough sentences the tremendous blessing they have been to me. They are always loving and supportive - even when I come up with the most hair-brained schemes. They are Christ-followers who live what they believe. They are always encouraging me and I cannot thank God enough for sending them into my life! I will choose to focus on these blessings today. I will choose to focus not on the things I could worry about but on the things that are blessing me every day.