Thursday, February 7, 2013

Memories

     This week I met with a young mother from my church who is in the midst of what I am certain is the most difficult thing she has ever been through. Her daughter is in PICU and has been in critical condition for a week. It has brought back so many of the emotions I faced while Peanut was in PICU. However, Peanut was only truly critical for 2 days, then we moved on to recovery and treatment. Those 2 days were the hardest of my life. I was overwhelmed with the helplessness I felt and the hopelessness that surrounded me. While I asked others to pray fervently for Peanut's healing, I was unable to muster enough faith to pray for that same thing. I can imagine what this mother is going through. She is in my thoughts and prayers from the moment I awaken until I go to sleep at night. I want to be there with her - at her side. Yet, she hardly knows me. And, because I can so clearly remember those days, there is not much I can help with by being at her side. Prayer is a mighty tool and I have been praying fervently for her daughter as well as the family. It's a difficult thing to imagine if you haven't walked the road yourself - facing the possibility of your child dying. Imagining how life could possibly move forward without this precious child in your arms. Yet, life does move forward. It's almost infuriating. It feels like everything should just stop. No holidays, no laughter, no enjoying anything. Your daughter's life is at stake, so how could anything else continue? Our journey moved quickly at the beginning. I cannot imagine living those first 2 days for over a week! However, it has taken a year to process some of it. I still struggle with the memories of that first hospital stay. I still haven't healed from it all. I remember the day I realized that while Peanut had received her healing, I still needed my heart to be healed. It felt like my life had fallen apart and my heart had been ripped to shreds. You don't just recover from that because the pieces get put back together. I know this journey for my friend will be a long one. I know it will be one of the most difficult things she has to go through. And I know that our God is able. He is able to hold us while we weep. He is able to love us while we walk through a valley of fear and death. He is able to sustain us when our strength has been used up. He is able to continue healing our hearts long after the one thing we hoped for was given to us. He is able to be all that we need. He is able to be our strength, our love, our voice, our hope, our salvation, our Father. He is a good God. He loves us dearly and He will provide for us at all times. I continue praying for my friend, her daughter and their family as I continue to see a need for healing in my own heart.