Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Yesterday was a rough day for me. I felt like my emotions were catching up with me. During the evening while I was sitting beside my husband relaxing I would find myself starting to cry. From the outside I appeared to have no reason to cry but I was turning over the whole medical situation with Peanut over and over in my head and I would just be overwhelmed - mostly by the hair loss. That in itself seems strange to me. That is not the biggest issue we have here. It is not the biggest hurdle or the most impact filled event in this whole journey. However, it is an outward sign that something is not right. It is our first outward sign that she is sick. The AVM is sinister in that it lies in wait - sometimes nothing happens, other times, it causes all sorts of problems. And even when problems occur, they are not easily seen. Peanut's AVM resulted in almost no outward signs. A stranger and most friends would never have known by looking at her that she had anything wrong with her. Diabetes is also an invisible disease. Now, everyone will know that something is wrong with our daughter. She is not healthy. I don't think this bothers me because I don't want people to know this about us but simply because it makes me feel vulnerable. It will be more obvious that I am struggling with this heavy load for my daughter. In a quiet moment alone, I wept silently over all that we had been through and all that lies before us. I felt that we were being attacked from all sides, that I couldn't spot the good things because of all the bad things surrounding us. I crawled in to bed, drained, tired and ready for some major changes to take place in our life. I picked up my Bible and started where I had left off last time - the first chapter of James. I couldn't finish reading the verses through my tears but it didn't matter because I knew what they said anyway. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously without finding fault, and it will be given to him." So much in these 3 short verses hit me. First, "Consider it pure joy..." How could I find joy in our circumstances? I was so overwhelmed a lot of the time - but never overwhelmed with joy, or even gratitude, or anything positive. I cried out to God asking Him if I could be done facing these trials. I wanted to get to the part where I did not lack anything. I wanted to be complete. I knew I needed wisdom. I hadn't been able to understand any of these trials or how to solve even one of them. And then I was hit with that last part, "...who gives generously without finding fault..." That just blew me away. God was not finding fault with me - even though I knew I had a lot of faults for Him to see. He doesn't care how much I screwed up. He doesn't care if I brought some of this on myself. He loves me and He gives generously to me when I ask. He will give me the wisdom I need to handle each of the trials that come my way. He will stand by my side so that I can face trials of many kinds. He is a good Father. A Loving Father. What joy it is to have Him speak so directly to me and lift me up from the despair I was trapped in!